Reflections

I’m home from my 2 day retreat for Bible College. I did it, I made it through, I did it by myself and had a great time!

 

It’s been 10 years since I have been able to drive that far by myself and stay away from the house for 2 days. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do something like that again.

 

I remember thinking a year ago, while at retreat with Abes by my side, that I would be doing the same thing this year at retreat. I’m so thankful that it was not the case.

 

I drove 2 hours, in peak-hour, gridlocked traffic, to the retreat. That in itself was so difficult. When I arrived, I was welcomed with open arms – however each person was asking “Oh, so where is your hubby?” The smile that then spread across my face was priceless. I responded with “Oh, I’m here by myself!”. They were so proud of me – was really affirming.

 

Apart from the fact of driving there, and staying there for 2 days, there was the issue of food. I am not good at eating food I have not prepared. My OCD, which revolves around vomiting and sickness, was on high alert. I managed to eat something each meal – even some meat which is a big thing for me.

 

I had a constant headache  for the 2 days (from the tension and clenching my jaw etc), which would normally have set off my anxiety and OCD (obsessing over the headache being a symptom of a tummy bug etc). I didnt sleep very well overnight, and woke exhausted, yet joyful, because I had made it through the night and was into the 2nd day.

 

Well, I’m home now, so made it through until the end of the 2nd day of retreat – headache and all. I even managed to drive an extra half and hour to go and visit my parents before driving home.

 

While I was driving home, a song came on – one of my favourites – and I completely lost it. I pulled over and wept…

 

Part of the song goes like this:

 

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free.

My God, my Saviour has ransomed me

 

I was weeping, sobbing, crying out from the depths of my being. I was being released, restored, renewed. My chains were falling off, freedom was washing over me and I cannot explain the emotions I felt.

 

10 years it has taken to me do something like this. There have been times over the past decade where going to the letterbox was impossible – after so many years of my anxiety and OCD controlling my life, I never thought I could find freedom – even just a glimpse of it…

 

My healing has begun. I am not healed yet. It is a journey I am finally on.

 

My chains are gone and I am being set free. No words can explain what that means to me…

Day 6 – Break Away

At the moment, I feel the need to break away. To free myself. To turn my back on the things of the past. Break off the chains that bind me. However, as much as my heart yearns for these things, my strength has disappeared.

There is so much of myself that I want to be free from – break off and discard.

 

That constant, 24/7, unrelenting knot in my stomach that causes me pain, anxiety, restlessness, depression. It never goes away, and even if it does, for that fleeting moment it still haunts my mind. That mess of knots inside my stomach twists and turns, squeezes and churns, cramps and burns.

 

Sometimes the gnawing pain inside of me is overwhelming. It makes me want to lash out in anger, in fear, in frustration, in hopelessness. It terrifies me, haunts me – reminds me that it is still there, making every day a living hell.

 

It’s not just the pain in my stomach; that is just one symptom. There is the dizziness, where the world closes in around me. The burning in my lungs, as if I have run a marathon – each breath doubled. The sweaty palms, the irrational behaviour, the lies that spew from my mouth, the excuses, the terror, the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the doubts, the what ifs and the what abouts. How can one person raise enough courage to break away from that? How can you break away from something that is so completely ingrained in your being. It is you.

 

It isn’t as if this part of me can be snapped off like a dead branch on a tree. Discarding the old and allowing the new to grow.

 

My heart yearns to break away, to break free from the prison that I am in. Every day I wonder when that day will come…

Day 5 – Seeking Solace

Solace isn’t a word I would normally use – for me, comfort sounds better. Solace means comfort or consolation in times of distress or sadness.

 

Where do I find solace? Where do I turn for solace?

 

Music – If I’m feeling down, have had a bad day, need a lift or just want to tune out, I turn on music. I have it as loud as it will go and dance around the house with my little girl. I love any type of music (except maybe country!) and find that songs speak to me and seem to know just what I need in certain situations

 

Food – Probably not the best thing to do, but when I am sad, upset, glum or stressed out, I sometimes eat. My food of choice – chocolate. It seems to fix everything!

 

Sunshine – I love going outside, lying on the grass, close my eyes and soak up the warmth and comfort of the sunshine. It makes me feel energised, relaxed and sometimes a little sleepy.

 

Cuddles – If I need a lift or comfort, a hug helps! The best hugs are from my little girl, my husband and my best friend Rach.

 

Faith – Sadly, at the moment I am going through a season of questioning, drought and shaping when it comes to my faith and therefore, it is not always the first place I seek solace. I want that to change in 2011, I just need to be willing, open and expectant

Two thousand and eleven

So, 2010 has left us and 2011 awaits.

 

Last night while sitting under the stars with Abes, I felt sad. It was about 11:30pm, we were about to usher in the new year, yet I was grieving the loss of 2010. I kind of didn’t want to let go of it – so much had happened and I hadn’t really processed it all. I just wanted a bit more time to reflect, remember and ponder.

 

However, amongst that sadness, there was also hope and anticipation for the things to come. 2011 is going to be my year. It’s a time to put things behind me and start afresh.

 

I’m not big on new years resolutions, however I have thought about it a bit. Overall, my one resolution would be to be a better person than I was in 2010. There are a few things that I have thought about that would help me do that – except I can’t seem to put them into words. My heart knows what they are and that’s all I need.

 

I want change in 2011

I want peace in 2011

I want growth in 2011

I want to dream in 2011

I want joy in 2011

I want happiness in 2011

I want breakthrough in 2011

I want purpose in 2011

I want confidence in 2011

I want patience in 2011

I want understanding in 2011

I want discipline in 2011

I want freedom in 2011

Day 4–Dark

Darkness brings silence. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit and listen in the darkness. It brings peace, yet it also brings fear. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was little. I didn’t think there were monsters in my closet or under my bed. I just thought bad things happened at night. I always used to get sick at night.

I love the dark because it brings out the stars. I like standing on the front lawn and gazing up into the sky.

The dark brings with it certain smells. In the winter, it is wood smoke. In summer, it brings the smell of rain and of freshness. The darkness closes the day, finishes everything.

The dark allows you to see the light. The darkness brings with it the hope of a new morn

Day 3 - Light

I like the light first thing in the morning. The soft light that streams in through the curtains. I also like the oranges and pinks that bring the warm glow to the morning. I don’t know if I would like all of this if I wasn’t a morning person.

I like it that light comes in so many forms – lamps, bulbs, candles, torches and the sun and moon. Sometimes I use my mobile phone as a light – in this day and age – who hasn’t?

I like it that you can’t have light without darkness. The two need each other – yet they are opposites.

Light guides. It guides ships, cars, people. It lights paths, roads, rooms, empty spaces

If you always have light, you will never have darkness. Oh, the darkness may come – but you will always have the light to chase it away. Darkness cannot drive out darkness – only light can

Everything always seems better when there is light. Things are much clearer, calmer and I feel more in control. I always felt that things were much worse when it was night-time – then in the morning light, they didn’t seem so bad anymore

Light is not meant to be hidden. Let your light shine

Priceless

I just wanted to share the video of Bella’s reaction to her Christmas present yesterday

 

2 - Love

This may not be the “real” definition of love, or the definition that is written in the dictionary. It is my definition of love – and it comes from the heart; where love blooms.

Love is unlike anything else. You know it when you experience it and grieve when it is lost.

Love is beyond words, beyond phrases, beyond comprehension. Love just is.

Love is when you let your toddler decorate the Christmas tree and don’t mind that all the decorations are in one spot

Love is finding the one who you will give your heart to for the rest of your life

Love is sacrifice

Love is more than a feeling, more than an emotion. It is a state of being. It is an action. It is a verb

Love is looking into your baby’s eyes for the first time as they take their first breath in this world

Love is giving

Love is when you make cupcakes with your child and don’t fuss when the cupcakes aren’t perfect

Love is sitting up in the middle of the night when your child has a high fever – forgoing the precious sleep your crave

Love is where your heart is. There you will find your treasure

Love is thinking of others before yourself. It is compassion. It is selfless.

Love is something that took a while for me to grasp; I still don’t really know if I understand it. Sometimes I feel like love is all I need. If I had love and understood it then all would be right with the world. I seem to be good at loving others, but when it comes to loving myself – I fall.

Love conquers all

1 - Introduction

Why were you given your particular name?”
Mum said she thought it was nice – so she named me “Naomi”. I don’t particularly like it, others think its great! Growing up, I never knew any Naomi’s, even now I don’t know that many! I’m kind of glad I wasn’t given a name like Melissa, Michelle, Jessica etc – they are too *harsh* sounding and boring!

How many brothers and sisters do you have?
I have two brothers, although one passed away at birth. His name was Nathan, he was born before me. I often wonder what it would be like to have an older brother – I think of him often. I also have a younger brother, Nick, who lives in Tassie with his girlfriend Sarah. He is 23, works in the payroll office of the Department of Health and Human Services. We are pretty close – despite the difference. He is smitten with Bella – we get to see him in a week!


What is your favourite thing to do?
Oh, depends on my mood! I love Facebook, yes I’ll admit it! I love doing craft with Bella, I love going shopping, I love reading, writing, studying, learning, drawing, painting, scrapbooking. I love the beach, sailing, picnics, watching TV. Actually, I really love going out for coffee with my hubby and daughter


What is your favourite food?
Hmmmm….. chocolate Others on the list include – chicken parma, mashed potato, pumpkin soup, raspberry syrup cake….. I really do have a sweet tooth!

What is your favourite book?
I have many – Cloudstreet, Redeeming Love, The Book Thief, House Rules, My Sisters Keeper, By The River

What is your favourite confectionary?
Whitakers Milk Chocolate – by far!! So much better than Cadburys! I also love toasting marshmallows on the stove


What is your favourite biscuit?
Oh, goodness! I have never really thought about this! I love a good Tim Tam Slam – only really works with tea though! I love Monte Carlos too – they are good dunked! I pretty much dunk every biscuit I eat – except for homemade ones – they don’t work as well! I’m more of a cake girl myself

What is your favourite sport?
To play – tennis or squash. To watch – it would have to be diving, gymnastics or swimming

What is your favourite kind of music?
Oh, I have a huge range of taste in music! I love Elton John, Joshua Kaddison, Hillsong, Planetshakers, Chris Tomlin, Pink, Jeremy Camp, Amy Grant, Colin Buchanan (he really does get stuck in your head – although he is on practically 24/7 here!)

What is your favorite song?
Chris Tomlin’s version of “Amazing Grace”. Every time I hear it, I cry – even now I am tearing up! The words, “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free, my Saviour God has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace”, get me every time!

What did you want to be when you grow up?
I always wanted to be a mum or a teacher. It had to be something to do with kids! I ended up going to Uni for 4 years to become a teacher, however then got pregnant straight away and became a mum!


How many kids do you want?
Hmm, we still have mixed feelings on this! Right now, we are extremely happy and content with one Whether that will change in the future – not sure!

Where in the world would you like to visit?
So many places – yet pretty sure we will never get there! Would love to go to NZ, Finland, Scotland, London, Switzerland, Denmark, Rome, Canada, Holland

What is your favourite thing about yourself?
Ouch – tough question! I’ll try not to be negative. I like my boobs (haha – well I do!), my creativity, my laugh, my hair (sometimes!)

Do you like to sing?
Yes, very much so! My life would be bleak without music! I have been involved in a choir of some sorts since I was in Grade 3. I love to sing by myself, with others, anywhere really!

Do you like to play a musical instrument?
Yes, I like to play them – but it doesnt mean I am any good! I love to play the piano and am learning the violin at the moment! When I was at school, I always wanted to play the clarinet – however I have never even picked one up!


Have you ever seen a Broadway musical? Do you like theatre?
Can’t say that I have – but would love to! The only thing remotely “Broadway” I have been involved in was when we did “Anything Goes” by Cole Porter as our school production. I have very fond memories of this – I was a sailor and part of the ensemble. I can still perform some of the choreography from it – and I remember all the words to the songs. It was an amazing time in my life


What are three adjectives which describe you?
creative, encouraging, inquisitive


In five years, what kind of person will you be?
Wow – I’d hope to be a better person – a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee. I’d like to be free from my fears – walking the path of my dreams – doing things that I never thought I would. Bella will be 7 and at school, and depending on whether we have any other children, I would be working as a chaplain in a Primary school


What are your favourite subjects in school?
Definitely English – I received the academic excellence award every year for English. Also loved Food Tech, Sociology, Psychology and Health Studies.


What is the strangest food you ever ate?
Hmm – I am really not into trying new things – like seriously! I can’t even eat out at a restaurant that is Chinese, Indian, Thai etc. I like to stick to things that I know. I like strange combinations though! While living on campus at Uni, I basically lived on rice with kecap manis and sour cream. I love jam and cheese sandwiches. I love peanut butter and celery. I love cheese on almost anything. I also love sour cream and tomato sauce on almost anything. When I was pregnant, I was known to have mayo on ice-cream.


Are you working in your chosen profession?
Well, I am in a way – I am a stay at home mum and that is one of the best jobs in the world! I have actually applied for a job starting in Feb next year – as an after school care assistant. It will be 5 days a week, from 3pm-6pm at a local primary school. I have had an interview and the coordinator asked me to come and work for a week in January – so looks like I most likely have the job! Still not set in concrete though, but looks very promising. This wouldn’t be my chosen profession, but kind of in the vicinity.


What is your dream job?
Working with young girls (grades 5-8) in areas of self-esteem, body image, peer pressure, adolescence, risk taking, confidence, self image, dreams, fears, anxieties. Would love to start programs in schools for this age group – run by myself at first, but then it becomes so big that I need to employ people to run them. God has given me a dream (literally) and I will never let go of it

100 themes challenge

I was reminded on Friday night (thanks Jess!) that I need to get my butt into gear and start this 100 challenge

 

So… here is the list and next will come entry 1 – Introduction. I’ll try not to make it boring!

 

1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Grey
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

Needing some inspiration…

I want to blog more often – I know people read it and are interested in what I write! I don’t know if I want my blog to be “I did this today, I’m doing that tomorrow” etc…

I’m after some inspiration – and I think I may have found something. It’s a 100 word challenge that is supposed to be used for paintings/artwork – but I’m sure I can adapt it to blogging!

So, over the next 100 days (I will try for everyday, but it could end up being the next 100 entries!), I will blog based on these words/themes. Perhaps you will find out something about me you didn’t know before

The Mo is Molonger

Yes, that’s right, Movember has come to an end and Abraham has finally shaved off his mo!

He really was starting to look like a criminal! An older lady said he looked 40 with his moustache! Haha, he wasn’t very happy!

So here is the before and after. A month of growing it and in 30 seconds it was gone!

 

The queen of….

procrastinating!

Yup, that;s me. I swear I am doing everything in my power to do anything else but my essays!

At the end of every trimester, I say “Wow, I am so not going to leave things to the last minute again!”

Yet, here I am with these 7 essays due on Friday and I have only done 2 and bits and pieces of the other 5

Yeah…I really am good at this procrastinating thing

Three things about me

Three names I go by:

1. Nay

2. Bub

3. Naomi

 

Three jobs I have had in my life:

1. Shelver at the library

2. Kitchen hand

3. After school care worker

 

Three places I have lived:

1. Geelong

2. Hobart

3. Launceston

 

Three TV shows that I watch:

1. Neighbours (yes I admit it!)

2. Masterchef

3. Nearly all the shows on ABC at once stage or another!

 

Three TV shows that I cant stand:

1. CSI, Bones etc – all the crime/police/detective shows

2. Waybaloo

3. Good News Week

 

Three places I have been: (okay, so I have never been overseas so this is boring!)

1. Queensland

2. South Australia

3. New South Wales

 

People that e-mail me regularly:

1. Facebook notifications

2. Freecycle

3. Ozsale

 

Three of my favourite foods:

1. Chocolate

2. Mashed potato

3. Jam donuts

 

Three things I would like to do:

1. Conquer my fears

2. Expand my family

3. Go back to work – doing what I love – when all my kids are at school

 

Things I am looking forward to:

1. Christmas

2. A new year and a fresh start

3. Finishing these assignments!

 

Three favourite colours:

1. Lime green

2. Pink

3. Blue

 

Things you would change about yourself:

1. My weight

2. My jealousy

3. My fears'

 

Favourite Songs/Bands:

1. Chris Tomlin’s version of Amazing Grace

2. Colin Buchanan (he always seems to get stuck in my head!)

3. Jimmy Needham

 

Three places you would love to visit:

1. Finland

2. The UK

3. NZ

 

Careers you would have liked to attempt:

1. Chaplain

2. Teacher

3. Midwife

 

Favourite drinks:

1. Iced coffee

2. Fruit cup cordial

3. Water

 

Favourite vacations:

1. Bambra

2. Marysville

3. Queensland

 

Foods you hate:

1. Olives

2. Capers

3. Dutch liquorice

Must be Movember

So, Movember is back again at our house – not sure if I’m entirely happy about that!!

But it is something that Abraham is passionate about (the mo-growing and the awareness for mens health – especially prostate cancer and depression)

It’s a month where I cringe every morning when the “mo” appears to be more and more prominent! He is going for a different look this year – not sure what its called, but somehow his sideburns blend into his moustache and create . . . . um . . . . this . . . .

The bare necessities

I have had this blog post saved to my drafts for a while now and every time I go to write another blog post, I see it there. Staring at me. Urging me to finish it off and publish it.

I kind of feel like it *needs* to be out there. But not for others, for me. I need to publish it for me.

 

 

These are my arms.

They are fat and flabby and wobble like a plate of jelly.

They are red and pimply. Sometimes they are a horrible shade of purple which people always seem to comment on.

“Are you cold? Your arms look ugly!”

No, I’m not cold, that’s just how my arms are. They are ugly, yes, but they are my arms.

These arms held my husband close for the first time

They felt the suns rays on the first warm day, letting me know that summer is coming.

They are raised in worship to my loving Saviour who died on the cross for my sins and who picked me up from the depths of despair and held me while I blossomed

These arms reached out to friends, family, strangers, letting them know I care

They helped bring our daughter into the world and held her for those first precious moments

These arms continue to hold her – when she is hurt, when she is joyful, when we are playing, when we are dancing and when we are snuggling.

These arms are incredible.

 

 

This is my tummy.

It is fat and flabby and unattractive.

It is covered in stretch marks from one side to the other and there is not a six pack in sight

It sticks out in rolls, each one a reminder of how ugly it is to be fat.

I may be fat and I may have stretchmarks, but it is my tummy.

It nurtured a baby for 9 months and gave it life. It grew and stretched so that my daughter could be healthy.

It contained kicks, wiggles, arms, elbows and other body parts which randomly jabbed me in the middle of the night

This tummy holds all the nutrients, good food and clean water which this country provides.

It reminds me how blessed I am to have these things – even if I do indulge a little too much sometimes

This tummy has held laughs, each escaping to fill a moment of joy

It is there for tickles, hugs, pokes or cuddles. It is sometimes used as a drum – Bella thinks it makes a nice sound

This tummy is incredible.

 

 

These are my legs.

They are hairy, white, thick and look like tree trunks.

I don’t have slender calves, or a prominent achilles tendon, and don’t even get me started on my thighs

They rub together and shudder with every step I take.

They have cellulite plastered over them as if my legs had a million dimples.

They may be unsightly and ugly, but they are my legs.

They have taken me to places that I never dreamed I would go. They have walked me down streets that changed my life.

These legs have run, have skipped, have hopped, have jumped. They have taken one step, then another. Just one foot in front of the other; sometimes that’s all that was needed.

They have taken my first steps and they will take my last

These legs have taken me everywhere I needed to go. They have run in fear, walked with peace, skipped with joy and danced with happiness.

My legs are incredible.

 

 

This is my face.

It has blemishes, a mole, hair growing where it shouldn’t, a crooked nose and a double chin.

It is unattractive and ugly. Most of the time it is hard to see the beauty in it. But this is my face.

It contains so much of me and can express so much of me.

This face can smile and light up the whole room. It can also cry and break someone’s heart.

It can speak words of encouragement, blessing and humour. But can also speak words of jealousy.

This face smiles at my daughter and kisses her for what seems like a million times a day.

It is part of what attracted my husband to me. That, and my hair. And smile.

This face has the power to speak, the power to smell, the power to see, the power to hear.

My face is incredible.

 

I am incredible.

No matter what.

Snapshot of this moment

Instead of writing – I decided to show you what we are all up to right now

 

A moment in our lives

Be still…

The birds on the tree outside my window are talking. I have no idea what they are saying, although it sounds like a strange kind of arguing. It’s as if they are having a dispute and each trying to talk over the top of each other. I guess it could be a call of longing; for their partner, their children, some food, some peace and quiet.

Or is it a happy sound? Just talking because they can and because they are happy. They are free. Free as themselves. Their chatter goes on, each bird sounding remarkably different.

Above my head there is a scratching sound in the roof. I’ve been listening to it for a few days now. It likes to scurry around up there while I am eating lunch and then again when I go to bed. It sounds too loud to be just a mouse, yet too quite to be a possum. What am I harbouring up there? Will it come down for a visit? For now, I shall just sit and listen to it going about its day.

In the distance is the sound of a car. It may be a bit strange, but I have always been one to wonder where people are going in their car. As a passenger in the car, I can observe the others on the road. Some pass by with children in the backseat, with their boot full of towels, boogie boards and the hope of a lovely day at the beach. Other cars pass which appear to be quite empty, only a man and his business suit hanging from the backseat window. Rushing too and from meetings. There are deadlines, planes to catch, phone calls to be made which cannot wait until they return to the office. I wonder if their lives are empty too.

I remember looking out the window of the car yesterday and seeing a cheerleading hamster. It’s amazing what the clouds can be if you look close enough. Be still and just look.

The sun is shining through the window, yet its warmth is overshadowed by the howling wind. Its icy breath cuts through any warmth the sun wishes to give. I can see the trees dancing to the rhythm of the wind; each branch swaying, each leaf fluttering.

The house is talking too. Each creak and groan a reminder of the wind outside. It’s as if the walls are talking. Telling me their story; who they have sheltered here. Maybe they could tell me what's hiding in my roof.

A cup of tea?

Made some scones for afternoon tea (well, after lunch tea) and they were quite successful!

I love cooking, especially simple, classic recipes. I’m not really into fancy things, I like the good old favourites, the ones that nan taught me to cook.

Nothing like a scone, jam and cream with a cup of tea

 

Singing is….

her favourite thing!

I was sitting here thinking about Bella (she is at nanny and poppy’s house until Tuesday) and was watching some of the videos I have of her.

She loves to sing! Its amazing watching her progress from babbling sounds, to recognising songs, to singing a few words, to now singing the song from start to finish. I am so proud of her – she is such a clever girl!

This one is my favourite at the moment

 

Miss B singing her favourite song