Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Reflections

I’m home from my 2 day retreat for Bible College. I did it, I made it through, I did it by myself and had a great time!

 

It’s been 10 years since I have been able to drive that far by myself and stay away from the house for 2 days. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do something like that again.

 

I remember thinking a year ago, while at retreat with Abes by my side, that I would be doing the same thing this year at retreat. I’m so thankful that it was not the case.

 

I drove 2 hours, in peak-hour, gridlocked traffic, to the retreat. That in itself was so difficult. When I arrived, I was welcomed with open arms – however each person was asking “Oh, so where is your hubby?” The smile that then spread across my face was priceless. I responded with “Oh, I’m here by myself!”. They were so proud of me – was really affirming.

 

Apart from the fact of driving there, and staying there for 2 days, there was the issue of food. I am not good at eating food I have not prepared. My OCD, which revolves around vomiting and sickness, was on high alert. I managed to eat something each meal – even some meat which is a big thing for me.

 

I had a constant headache  for the 2 days (from the tension and clenching my jaw etc), which would normally have set off my anxiety and OCD (obsessing over the headache being a symptom of a tummy bug etc). I didnt sleep very well overnight, and woke exhausted, yet joyful, because I had made it through the night and was into the 2nd day.

 

Well, I’m home now, so made it through until the end of the 2nd day of retreat – headache and all. I even managed to drive an extra half and hour to go and visit my parents before driving home.

 

While I was driving home, a song came on – one of my favourites – and I completely lost it. I pulled over and wept…

 

Part of the song goes like this:

 

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free.

My God, my Saviour has ransomed me

 

I was weeping, sobbing, crying out from the depths of my being. I was being released, restored, renewed. My chains were falling off, freedom was washing over me and I cannot explain the emotions I felt.

 

10 years it has taken to me do something like this. There have been times over the past decade where going to the letterbox was impossible – after so many years of my anxiety and OCD controlling my life, I never thought I could find freedom – even just a glimpse of it…

 

My healing has begun. I am not healed yet. It is a journey I am finally on.

 

My chains are gone and I am being set free. No words can explain what that means to me…

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 6 – Break Away

At the moment, I feel the need to break away. To free myself. To turn my back on the things of the past. Break off the chains that bind me. However, as much as my heart yearns for these things, my strength has disappeared.

There is so much of myself that I want to be free from – break off and discard.

 

That constant, 24/7, unrelenting knot in my stomach that causes me pain, anxiety, restlessness, depression. It never goes away, and even if it does, for that fleeting moment it still haunts my mind. That mess of knots inside my stomach twists and turns, squeezes and churns, cramps and burns.

 

Sometimes the gnawing pain inside of me is overwhelming. It makes me want to lash out in anger, in fear, in frustration, in hopelessness. It terrifies me, haunts me – reminds me that it is still there, making every day a living hell.

 

It’s not just the pain in my stomach; that is just one symptom. There is the dizziness, where the world closes in around me. The burning in my lungs, as if I have run a marathon – each breath doubled. The sweaty palms, the irrational behaviour, the lies that spew from my mouth, the excuses, the terror, the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the doubts, the what ifs and the what abouts. How can one person raise enough courage to break away from that? How can you break away from something that is so completely ingrained in your being. It is you.

 

It isn’t as if this part of me can be snapped off like a dead branch on a tree. Discarding the old and allowing the new to grow.

 

My heart yearns to break away, to break free from the prison that I am in. Every day I wonder when that day will come…