At the moment, I feel the need to break away. To free myself. To turn my back on the things of the past. Break off the chains that bind me. However, as much as my heart yearns for these things, my strength has disappeared.
There is so much of myself that I want to be free from – break off and discard.
That constant, 24/7, unrelenting knot in my stomach that causes me pain, anxiety, restlessness, depression. It never goes away, and even if it does, for that fleeting moment it still haunts my mind. That mess of knots inside my stomach twists and turns, squeezes and churns, cramps and burns.
Sometimes the gnawing pain inside of me is overwhelming. It makes me want to lash out in anger, in fear, in frustration, in hopelessness. It terrifies me, haunts me – reminds me that it is still there, making every day a living hell.
It’s not just the pain in my stomach; that is just one symptom. There is the dizziness, where the world closes in around me. The burning in my lungs, as if I have run a marathon – each breath doubled. The sweaty palms, the irrational behaviour, the lies that spew from my mouth, the excuses, the terror, the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the doubts, the what ifs and the what abouts. How can one person raise enough courage to break away from that? How can you break away from something that is so completely ingrained in your being. It is you.
It isn’t as if this part of me can be snapped off like a dead branch on a tree. Discarding the old and allowing the new to grow.
My heart yearns to break away, to break free from the prison that I am in. Every day I wonder when that day will come…
0 comments:
Post a Comment