Reflections

I’m home from my 2 day retreat for Bible College. I did it, I made it through, I did it by myself and had a great time!

 

It’s been 10 years since I have been able to drive that far by myself and stay away from the house for 2 days. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do something like that again.

 

I remember thinking a year ago, while at retreat with Abes by my side, that I would be doing the same thing this year at retreat. I’m so thankful that it was not the case.

 

I drove 2 hours, in peak-hour, gridlocked traffic, to the retreat. That in itself was so difficult. When I arrived, I was welcomed with open arms – however each person was asking “Oh, so where is your hubby?” The smile that then spread across my face was priceless. I responded with “Oh, I’m here by myself!”. They were so proud of me – was really affirming.

 

Apart from the fact of driving there, and staying there for 2 days, there was the issue of food. I am not good at eating food I have not prepared. My OCD, which revolves around vomiting and sickness, was on high alert. I managed to eat something each meal – even some meat which is a big thing for me.

 

I had a constant headache  for the 2 days (from the tension and clenching my jaw etc), which would normally have set off my anxiety and OCD (obsessing over the headache being a symptom of a tummy bug etc). I didnt sleep very well overnight, and woke exhausted, yet joyful, because I had made it through the night and was into the 2nd day.

 

Well, I’m home now, so made it through until the end of the 2nd day of retreat – headache and all. I even managed to drive an extra half and hour to go and visit my parents before driving home.

 

While I was driving home, a song came on – one of my favourites – and I completely lost it. I pulled over and wept…

 

Part of the song goes like this:

 

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free.

My God, my Saviour has ransomed me

 

I was weeping, sobbing, crying out from the depths of my being. I was being released, restored, renewed. My chains were falling off, freedom was washing over me and I cannot explain the emotions I felt.

 

10 years it has taken to me do something like this. There have been times over the past decade where going to the letterbox was impossible – after so many years of my anxiety and OCD controlling my life, I never thought I could find freedom – even just a glimpse of it…

 

My healing has begun. I am not healed yet. It is a journey I am finally on.

 

My chains are gone and I am being set free. No words can explain what that means to me…