Live in the moment

Right now, I am thankful for this minute….

I need to live in the moment, otherwise things just heap on top of me. I feel good right now and that is a good thing!

I’m thankful for right now :)

One step forward, 1000 steps back…

You know how you feel like you are beginning to get somewhere? Like you are making progress towards a better you, a better life, a better future. You finally feel close to God and feel like you can trust Him? You have finally moved forward and beaten some things that were holding you back?

You know how good it feels? Then it all comes crashing down around you and that one step forward doesn't seem to matter anymore.

I feel like I had this “mountain top” experience and now Satan is getting his claws in and reeking havoc on me! He is having a field day and the sad thing is, I am probably letting him.

I feel like I am worse off than before. That any hope I had that things could be different has disappeared. 

I know that tomorrow is a new day, but right now I feel like it doesn't even matter. Argh, I hate it that I talk this way! I need to be positive, I know that. Its hard seeing glimpses of hope and wellness after so long struggling day after day. You kind of let yourself up for a fall.

Maybe I knew all along it was coming and I didn't even put things in place to combat it.

Okay, so I may have had a setback, but I cant let it beat me. I have to have hope, otherwise, what else do I have?

I am wallowing right now, yes I know. I just needed to get it all out and start fresh again tomorrow. I have to, otherwise I will be stuck in the same rut I have always been.

Perhaps I thought it was going to be easy. I just need to look at the ash, the leaf and the rock and know that God spoke to me. I need to trust His ways and His plans. I can only control so much. He has spoken something over my life and I need to believe it and own it.

Lets see if together, we can do it

Ash, leaf, rock. New beginnings. So thankful…

I wanted to come in and share about the time I had at the ACOM retreat over the past 2 days. I cant say it was life-changing, but God certainly got my attention.

I have felt very distant from God. I haven't really prayed for a long time and often wonder if it is all really worth it. I was in a stagnant place and staying there was easy.

Abraham and I went for a walk this morning up to a ridge on the property we were staying on. The bushfires came within 50m of the cabins, so there were a lot of black, burned out trees and shrubs. When we got to the top of the ridge, there was still black as far as the eye could see.

I could hear God telling me that restoration was coming to me. That wellness and restoration were coming. He said that he was showing me the burned out trees and how he had burned me down to almost nothing and was slowly bringing new life, growth and restoration to me. He was showing me glimpses of that restoration in the green growing out of the black trees.

We were walking back down and felt God telling me to find some ash and to take it home. Abraham found some on the ground and handed it to me, but it didn't feel right. I had to go and take some ash off a tree myself. So I did. God wanted me to remember the burning down and the dark places I have been.

A little further back down, God then told me to go and pick a leaf growing from a black tree. So I did. God wanted me to remember that he is bringing restoration and wellness. He is bringing new life and new beginnings.

We had nearly reached the bottom, and God then told me to pick up a rock from the path. He wanted me to remember the path he had bought me on as well as to remember that He is always my rock.

I began doubting whether it really was God, or just myself talking in my head. I couldn't believe that God could speak so clearly to me. I was finding it hard to believe that God would talk to me in that way. But you know what, I cant deny it. It couldn't have been anything but God. He knew how to get my attention, I just had to listen.

We had gotten down to the bottom of the track and I smelled the leaf I had picked. It was sweet and smelled so fresh. God reminded me of the verse in 2 Corinthians about the aroma of Christ. He let me know that he was restoring my aroma and I would soon be able to live out the aroma of Christ.

So yeah, God has certainly been working in my heart the last 2 days at the retreat.

Abraham had to come with me because there was no way I would have been able to travel up there and stay the 2 days by myself.

I made it through the 2 days with minimal panic/sickness.

I also had another breakthrough while there. As I said before, I hadn't really prayed for a long time. I could pray in silent, in my head, but never out loud. I felt like I wasn't as eloquent as other people when I prayed. I felt like my prayers didn't matter or that God wasn't going to even answer them anyway. On the 1st day, I prayed out loud for the first time in about a year. It felt so freeing. I then went on to pray numerous times over the retreat.

So yeah, this is where I am at right now. I am not cured or healed of my panic/OCD issues. However I now know God is walking every step beside me in this journey.

Sharing the love…err…sickness!

Thanks Bella :) I now have Bellas horrible cold/cough lurgy!

That’s the thing – once you have kids, it is inevitable that you will get what they have! You share kisses, cuddles, food, spoons, everything!

Oh well, I just need to suck it up! My little one coped well, so I should cope better!

And honestly – I am the worst at taking medicine! I am fine with tablets, but give me liquid stuff and it takes me 10 minutes to drink 10mls – with 20 gags thrown in!

Theology, a map and the Atlantic

In my readings for this week, I came across this quote from C.S Lewis. I cant seem to get it out of my head! It has made a huge impact on me and spoke to my heart :)

“Mere Christianity” - "Making and Begetting." (C.S. Lewis)

"I remember once when I had been giving a talk to the RAF, an old hard-bitten officer got up and said, 'I've no use for all that stuff! But, mind you, I'm a religious man too. I know there's a God, I've felt him: out alone in the desert at night: the tremendous mystery. And that's just why I don't believe all your neat little dogmas and formulas about Him. To anyone who's met the real thing, they all seem so petty and pedantic and unreal! '

"Now in a sense, I quite agreed with that man. I think he had
probably had a real experience of God in the desert. And when he turned from that experience to the Christian creeds, I think he really was turning from something real to something less real. In the same way, if a man has once looked at the Atlantic from the beach, and then goes and looks at a map of the Atlantic, he also will be turning from something real to something less real... But here comes the point. The map is admittedly only coloured paper, but there are two things you have to remember about it. In the first place, it is based on what hundreds and thousands of people have found out by sailing the real Atlantic. In that way, it has behind it masses of experience just as real as the one you could have from the beach; only while yours would be a single isolated glimpse, the map fits all those different experiences together. In the second place, if you want to go anywhere, the map is absolutely necessary. As long as you are content with walks along the beach, your own glimpses are far more fun that looking at a map. But the map is going to be of far more use than walks on the beach if you want to get to America.

"Now Theology is like a map. Merely learning and thinking about Christian doctrines, if you stop there, is less real and less exciting than the sort of thing my friend got in the desert. Doctrines are not God: they are only a kind of map. But that map is based on hundreds of people who really were in touch with God - experiences compared with which any thrills or pious feelings you and I are likely to get on our own are very elementary and very confused. And secondly, if you want to get any further, you must use the map. ...In fact, that is just why a vague religion - all about feeling God in nature, and so on - is so attractive. It is all thrills and no work: like watching the waves from the beach. But you will not get to Newfoundland by studying the Atlantic that way, and you will not get eternal life by simply feeling the presence of God in flowers or music. Neither will you get anywhere by looking at maps without going to sea, nor will you be very safe if you go to sea without a map.

An update of sorts

Well, as you can see, I am not a very good blogger! I keep thinking, “Oh yes, I really should blog about this!” but then never do!

Naomi
I have started Bible College and am finding the transition back into study harder than I thought! I am one to get really super organised, but take forever to actually get into the meat of things!

It’s also hard to find a chunk of time that I can just sit down and devote to study. Yes, Bella has a day sleep (which she should be doing right now, except I can hear her crying, wanting to play instead). But when Bella is sleeping, I will wash the dishes, do the washing, read a book, catch up on emails, tidy the toys, play with the dog – anything but study! Granted, its only been 2 weeks since I started, I just need to get into the swing of things. I am off to the library tomorrow while Abes looks after Bella.

I am also still working 2 days a week for EveryLabel.com.au. Abes dad runs the business with Anna (his daughter) and myself. It keeps my mind active and allows me to get paid :)

I am also doing better on the anxiety/OCD front. I have been seeing a GP and also a counsellor and have made some progress. It is so hard for me to admit that I am doing okay! I freak out because I am not freaking out! What is with that!? I am about 40% of the way there, which is better than the 0% I was at about a month ago.

Abraham
He is such a patient man! I love him to bits! He is enjoying work, and even got to work down in Torquay yesterday! Nothing better than a walk on the beach during your lunch break and after work.

He is in the process of doing about 10 jobs around the house! We are starting our veggie garden, he built a compost bin, knocking down the dodgy veranda thing out the front, paving out the front, finishing the gate, getting rid of the rubbish pile so we can build a play area and the list goes on! I love having such a handy husband :)

Bella
She is currently in her cot crying (well, whinging), to be taken out and played with! She is not very well today, and needs her sleep. She was up 5-6 times last night just miserable. She got into our bed this morning with a fever, which has since gone. I love our thermometer! It takes 8 seconds or less and has a digital display that flashes the temp and then green (normal) yellow (mild) and red (high). She has been coughing a bit, and its starting to sound chesty. Her nose is running too :( Poor poppet!)

She took her first step a week ago, and it seems as if it was a fluke! She has certainly made no effort to do it again! Oh well, all in her own time I guess! I am the impatient one!

Her pead appointment went well also! Her hip x-ray and ultrasound were clear and the pead doesn't want to see her again :) She is now 16 months old and weighs 12kg, is 86cm long and can say 52 words :)

Okay, so that's about it from us! Oh….Abes and I will be going to a retreat for Bible College on the 22nd and 23rd of Feb :) Bella will be staying with Oma and Opa. We are so looking forward to it!

Trying something different

I have recently discovered Windows Live Writer, so am trying it out! I hate trying to format my posts in blogger, so was looking for something else to use.

We will see how it works for me! Then I may just have to do a massive update post! Lots of things happening :)

Until next time……….