Reflections

I’m home from my 2 day retreat for Bible College. I did it, I made it through, I did it by myself and had a great time!

 

It’s been 10 years since I have been able to drive that far by myself and stay away from the house for 2 days. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do something like that again.

 

I remember thinking a year ago, while at retreat with Abes by my side, that I would be doing the same thing this year at retreat. I’m so thankful that it was not the case.

 

I drove 2 hours, in peak-hour, gridlocked traffic, to the retreat. That in itself was so difficult. When I arrived, I was welcomed with open arms – however each person was asking “Oh, so where is your hubby?” The smile that then spread across my face was priceless. I responded with “Oh, I’m here by myself!”. They were so proud of me – was really affirming.

 

Apart from the fact of driving there, and staying there for 2 days, there was the issue of food. I am not good at eating food I have not prepared. My OCD, which revolves around vomiting and sickness, was on high alert. I managed to eat something each meal – even some meat which is a big thing for me.

 

I had a constant headache  for the 2 days (from the tension and clenching my jaw etc), which would normally have set off my anxiety and OCD (obsessing over the headache being a symptom of a tummy bug etc). I didnt sleep very well overnight, and woke exhausted, yet joyful, because I had made it through the night and was into the 2nd day.

 

Well, I’m home now, so made it through until the end of the 2nd day of retreat – headache and all. I even managed to drive an extra half and hour to go and visit my parents before driving home.

 

While I was driving home, a song came on – one of my favourites – and I completely lost it. I pulled over and wept…

 

Part of the song goes like this:

 

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free.

My God, my Saviour has ransomed me

 

I was weeping, sobbing, crying out from the depths of my being. I was being released, restored, renewed. My chains were falling off, freedom was washing over me and I cannot explain the emotions I felt.

 

10 years it has taken to me do something like this. There have been times over the past decade where going to the letterbox was impossible – after so many years of my anxiety and OCD controlling my life, I never thought I could find freedom – even just a glimpse of it…

 

My healing has begun. I am not healed yet. It is a journey I am finally on.

 

My chains are gone and I am being set free. No words can explain what that means to me…

Day 6 – Break Away

At the moment, I feel the need to break away. To free myself. To turn my back on the things of the past. Break off the chains that bind me. However, as much as my heart yearns for these things, my strength has disappeared.

There is so much of myself that I want to be free from – break off and discard.

 

That constant, 24/7, unrelenting knot in my stomach that causes me pain, anxiety, restlessness, depression. It never goes away, and even if it does, for that fleeting moment it still haunts my mind. That mess of knots inside my stomach twists and turns, squeezes and churns, cramps and burns.

 

Sometimes the gnawing pain inside of me is overwhelming. It makes me want to lash out in anger, in fear, in frustration, in hopelessness. It terrifies me, haunts me – reminds me that it is still there, making every day a living hell.

 

It’s not just the pain in my stomach; that is just one symptom. There is the dizziness, where the world closes in around me. The burning in my lungs, as if I have run a marathon – each breath doubled. The sweaty palms, the irrational behaviour, the lies that spew from my mouth, the excuses, the terror, the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the doubts, the what ifs and the what abouts. How can one person raise enough courage to break away from that? How can you break away from something that is so completely ingrained in your being. It is you.

 

It isn’t as if this part of me can be snapped off like a dead branch on a tree. Discarding the old and allowing the new to grow.

 

My heart yearns to break away, to break free from the prison that I am in. Every day I wonder when that day will come…

Day 5 – Seeking Solace

Solace isn’t a word I would normally use – for me, comfort sounds better. Solace means comfort or consolation in times of distress or sadness.

 

Where do I find solace? Where do I turn for solace?

 

Music – If I’m feeling down, have had a bad day, need a lift or just want to tune out, I turn on music. I have it as loud as it will go and dance around the house with my little girl. I love any type of music (except maybe country!) and find that songs speak to me and seem to know just what I need in certain situations

 

Food – Probably not the best thing to do, but when I am sad, upset, glum or stressed out, I sometimes eat. My food of choice – chocolate. It seems to fix everything!

 

Sunshine – I love going outside, lying on the grass, close my eyes and soak up the warmth and comfort of the sunshine. It makes me feel energised, relaxed and sometimes a little sleepy.

 

Cuddles – If I need a lift or comfort, a hug helps! The best hugs are from my little girl, my husband and my best friend Rach.

 

Faith – Sadly, at the moment I am going through a season of questioning, drought and shaping when it comes to my faith and therefore, it is not always the first place I seek solace. I want that to change in 2011, I just need to be willing, open and expectant

Two thousand and eleven

So, 2010 has left us and 2011 awaits.

 

Last night while sitting under the stars with Abes, I felt sad. It was about 11:30pm, we were about to usher in the new year, yet I was grieving the loss of 2010. I kind of didn’t want to let go of it – so much had happened and I hadn’t really processed it all. I just wanted a bit more time to reflect, remember and ponder.

 

However, amongst that sadness, there was also hope and anticipation for the things to come. 2011 is going to be my year. It’s a time to put things behind me and start afresh.

 

I’m not big on new years resolutions, however I have thought about it a bit. Overall, my one resolution would be to be a better person than I was in 2010. There are a few things that I have thought about that would help me do that – except I can’t seem to put them into words. My heart knows what they are and that’s all I need.

 

I want change in 2011

I want peace in 2011

I want growth in 2011

I want to dream in 2011

I want joy in 2011

I want happiness in 2011

I want breakthrough in 2011

I want purpose in 2011

I want confidence in 2011

I want patience in 2011

I want understanding in 2011

I want discipline in 2011

I want freedom in 2011

Day 4–Dark

Darkness brings silence. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit and listen in the darkness. It brings peace, yet it also brings fear. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was little. I didn’t think there were monsters in my closet or under my bed. I just thought bad things happened at night. I always used to get sick at night.

I love the dark because it brings out the stars. I like standing on the front lawn and gazing up into the sky.

The dark brings with it certain smells. In the winter, it is wood smoke. In summer, it brings the smell of rain and of freshness. The darkness closes the day, finishes everything.

The dark allows you to see the light. The darkness brings with it the hope of a new morn

Day 3 - Light

I like the light first thing in the morning. The soft light that streams in through the curtains. I also like the oranges and pinks that bring the warm glow to the morning. I don’t know if I would like all of this if I wasn’t a morning person.

I like it that light comes in so many forms – lamps, bulbs, candles, torches and the sun and moon. Sometimes I use my mobile phone as a light – in this day and age – who hasn’t?

I like it that you can’t have light without darkness. The two need each other – yet they are opposites.

Light guides. It guides ships, cars, people. It lights paths, roads, rooms, empty spaces

If you always have light, you will never have darkness. Oh, the darkness may come – but you will always have the light to chase it away. Darkness cannot drive out darkness – only light can

Everything always seems better when there is light. Things are much clearer, calmer and I feel more in control. I always felt that things were much worse when it was night-time – then in the morning light, they didn’t seem so bad anymore

Light is not meant to be hidden. Let your light shine

Priceless

I just wanted to share the video of Bella’s reaction to her Christmas present yesterday