Let down...

Do you ever wonder if things will change? Do you ever want to be someone else? Have you ever hated yourself?

Argh, I did it again. I'm really good at doing it and I wish I wasn't.

A friend was supposed to come and visit Bella and I today. She was driving about an hour to get here, so it wasnt like she was just around the corner. I had been freaking out about it for hours and promised myself that I wouldnt ring up and cancel.

But then I did. I told her that I didnt think that I could do it today. What a freak I am. I cant leave the house much and then I cant even have people around here. What an idiot.

She said she had already left, so I just assumed I had no choice and that she was coming anyway. I messaged her and said that I was still panicking, but she should just come anyway. She then told me to forget it and that she had already turned around to go home.

I told her I was sorry. I didnt know what else to say. What a loser I am. What an idiot. What a waste of space. What a screw up. I cant tell you how many times a week I cancel things, or make up excuses.

She probably hates me now. I dont blame her. I deserve it.